A six-page employee dress policy allegedly circulated inside Area 51 last week, and most of it is painfully ordinary. Closed-toe shoes are required in laboratories. Badges must remain visible. Denim is permitted on Fridays. Then paragraph 4.7 bans novelty shirts containing the phrase “I’M WITH THE ALIEN.”
SELECTED POLICY LANGUAGE
“Employees will avoid apparel that creates confusion regarding reporting relationships, species affiliation or containment status.” The document does not define species affiliation. Human Resources documents rarely become more interesting when they define terms, so we appreciate the restraint.
Casual Friday remains authorized. Prohibited: glow-in-the-dark antenna headbands, unauthorized saucer imagery, shirts implying personal friendship with detainees or visitors. Hawaiian shirts: subject to supervisor discretion.
DRESS & APPEARANCE / REV. 7
WHY THE RULE EXISTS
A source claims the ban followed an incident in which three employees wore identical shirts during a facility tour and a visiting contractor followed the arrow on one of them. Where the contractor ended up is redacted in the copy we received.
EMPLOYEE REACTION
Workers reportedly objected less to the alien rule than to a new requirement that cargo shorts have “mission-appropriate pocket discipline.” One anonymous employee called that language “the real cover-up.”
The document has not been authenticated. It does, however, contain the unmistakable signature of every workplace policy ever written: a final page requiring employees to acknowledge they have read the previous pages. Someone checked NO.